Kayson Prine

Kayson Mace Prine passed away peacefully by his mother's side, two months old, on September 5, 2016, in Billings, Montana. Kayson was born in Billings, Montana to Paige Nicole Prine and Brandon Tushka, on June 20, 2016. My sweet baby, oh what I'd do to bring you back home. I want nothing less than to see you smile, hold you tightly, and try to tell you just how much mommy loves you. I don't think I could manage to choke up the amount of strength and courage it would take to tell you this if I knew it would be the last time I got to see you and tell you, honey. You are ever so fresh in my memories, I find myself on autopilot, subconsciously listening for your cry, anxious to comfort you. Two big boxes, one full of wipes, and the other filled with size 2 diapers I bought for you, remain in the corner of the room, never to be used. My precious son, it breaks my heart that you will never grow out of these size 2's, that are just beginning to fit you. The smell of your soft baby skin still lingers on my neck and chest. There's still a fresh spot of slobber and dried milk on the shoulder of my hoodie where you wiped your precious mouth on me. Clean bottles and many cans of formula sit on the counter top, awaiting your beckoning call. Baby powder, lotion, wipes and a fresh diaper sit next to your bassinet, just waiting for me to change your little butt again…as I sit here looking at the elephant you loved so much, hanging on your car seat. I can't help but daydream and see you in it, smiling at your favorite toy, talking to it, swinging at it, laughing at it … so sorry, Kayson Mace. I miss you more than anything in the world. My face remains stained by all of the tears I cried yesterday in your name. My hair is still tangled from your little hands, twisting and pulling on it. My sweats still bear tiny, perfect little finger prints with crusty, smeared (God knows what) all over my leg that you managed to wipe on me. Your clothes are laid out for you to wear. I never thought you'd leave so early…I'll never have the opportunity to hear your first words, watch you take your first steps, teach you how to count, see you ride a bike, or help you with your homework. I will never know the heartache of an attached mother dropping you off at daycare, or school and then turning right back around to pick you up because I'm not ready to see you grow that fast, or because your teachers don't know that you need to be told you're loved repeatedly, and you need 25 kisses every three minutes….No. Now I feel like I took every day I had with you for granted. If I could turn back time, or if I knew you weren't going to stay with me for long, I would have made every second of every day count. To my little boy, I see you when I close my eyes. Maybe one day I'll understand why. Everything you touch surely dies. I hear you when I fall asleep, but never to touch, and never to keep…because I loved you too much and I dove too deep. I can't sleep peacefully without my baby boy. I don't know what to do, but stare up at the ceiling in the dark, with this same old empty feeling in my heart. I can't take much more. Mommy will see you again sweetheart, I promise. I'm a wreck and I'm so glad you've never had to see me like this. I now live with constant anxiety so severe, I feel like I need to go home right now and take care of my son…but where the hell do I go to find you? This still isn't real. I don't think it ever will be. This hurts bad, baby. So deeply painful, I'm convinced I really will die of a broken heart. When you died, my heart had split in two. One side filled with heartache, and the other died with you. What use is a mother without their baby? You rewired me to know and understand since the day you were born, it was no longer about me. I devoted my life to you, son. I lived for you, to benefit you and provide for you and make you happy. Oh what I'd do to see your smile and hear your voice again. I absolutely cannot go back to not being a mom. I'm so lost, confused and broken. I feel I have no purpose and I have no idea what to do with myself now. You saved my life a number of times, but I'd gladly hand it back over 10,000,000 times or more, if it could save you and bring you back. I continue to daydream about you, wishful thinking I'm going to wake up at any moment, wishing you are in my arms where you belong. Wishing I could bathe you, wishing I could rock my Kayson to sleep with a smile on his face. Funeral Service will be held at 1:00pm, Monday, September 12, 2016 at Atonement Lutheran Church with burial at the Colstrip Cemetery at 5:00pm. Please help other parents who have lost their child by donating to the Ramsey Keller Memorial, 4382 Laredo Place, Billings, MT 59106, (406)670-8504.